A religion is all about belief. It should be what you believe in from the bottom of your heart. Obviously, it's up to you to decide which religion to believe in and no one will keep you from spending all your money on it, but do not bother others about it.

Whether you believe in something or not depends on each and every person's value system and everyone should decide by themselves if it's worth it or not. It's impossible to believe in something just because someone else asked you to. That's why it's so strange how the more dubious a religious cult is, the more passionately its followers seem to devote themselves to trying to convert others. You don't make someone join a religion by simply persuading them. It's something they must actively decide for themselves.

One Saturday afternoon, I was idly watching TV, when the phone rang with a loud shrill. Since I rarely get any calls on the home phone, I picked up the receiver wondering who it could be from. The caller turned out to be an old friend from university.

"Hello, it's me, N... Remember me?"

I couldn't hide my joy hearing the voice of an old friend I hadn't talked to ever since I'd graduated from university.

"Ohh! It's you, N! How's it going? It's been a while, hasn't it?"

The conversation with my friend quickly took us back to the time when we were both still young. As soon as we'd shared the latest news in our lives, we took a trip down memory lane and talked about the good old days. Until N suddenly asked me:

"I wanna talk to you in person, can we meet up now?"

But you see, I'm not the type of guy to go through the trouble of meeting up just to talk. I'd much rather spend a Saturday afternoon relaxing at home. Besides, I was about to doze off when he called me. If it had been someone else, I'd have tried to end the phone call as soon as possible because I wouldn't want to waste my precious free time on the phone. But since it was from an old friend, I was making an exception, but now he wants me to leave the house? Why would he want to meet me in person anyway?

"Sorry, but it's too much of a pain to go out now. Why don't we just talk on the phone?"

is what I said, but he wouldn't listen.

"No, it won't take long, really. I just wanna talk to you in person for a bit."

It's kinda awkward to be asked out so persistently by a guy. It made me want to stay home even more.

"Let's meet up in a family restaurant then. It'll be my treat too."

Wait, did he just say he'll treat me to food!? My stomach was empty and so was my wallet. How could I say no to a free meal? Suddenly, going out to meet him and getting treated to a nice dinner didn't sound all that bad anymore, but when I gave it some thought, it was still kind of suspicious.

Why did N want to meet me so bad he'd even treat me to dinner for it? I couldn't remember him ever being such a big fan of me. In any case, I couldn't understand what was going through his head, but I knew there had to be a catch. It was a close call, really, he almost had me there. I was on the verge of walking into a trap with free food as bait. You, sir, can't lure me out of my house with food!

"You're being suspicious, you know? Why do you want to meet me so bad you'd treat me to food? What do you really want from me?"

I asked in a bit more serious tone. He seemed at a loss for words for a moment, but quickly caught himself and started explaining.

"The truth is... There's someone who wants to meet you. Wouldn't shut up about wanting to get to know you."

I couldn't believe my ears!! A girl was begging him to introduce me to her? A cute girl with glasses, who is rather shy at first glance, but surprisingly pretty once you take off her glasses and a wild animal once she is in bed, was crazy about meeting me? I was feeling excited about meeting up my old friend all of a sudden.

"I'll be there in a minute."

I put the receiver down, got dressed at the speed of light and headed to the family restaurant N suggested as quickly as possible. Thinking back now, this marked the beginning of the tragedy that followed.

Driving my car at full speed, I arrived at the family restaurant in a mere 15 minutes after the phone call. I guess, people can really do amazing things when they actually try. Anyways, I immediately started looking for N. No, to be honest, I didn't give a damn about N, I looked for a beautiful girl sitting next to N. A lovely white lily that happens to be a fan of me.

Found them.

At one of the tables in the back, N was drinking coffee and looking dumb as always. It'd been years since we'd graduated from university, but he hadn't changed at all. I was about to get all sentimental, but reminded myself that I wasn't there to see N, but the girl next to N. So I shifted my eyes to the seat next to N.

There she was.

Except "she" was an almost-40-year-old man with glasses leaning back arrogantly in his chair. Well, fuck you too, N. What was that about someone who wants to meet me? How is he a beautiful girl!? He's not even a girl! I felt like strangling N.

But I couldn't keep raging on forever, so I decided to take a closer look at the old guy.

As far as looks go, he was just a normal old guy. Short hair, unpolished look. But it was his outfit that made him look suspicious. He was wearing outdated clothes that make you wonder where he bought them from. A shirt with English letters printed on them at this time and age? What does it say? New York? Is he from the past? But what was even stranger was the look in his eyes. Take a rotten fish and let it rot some more and it might get eyes like his. His pupils were wide open for some reason too. In short, he was the most suspicious looking man I'd ever seen. He could have been wearing a headgear and I bet it wouldn't have even looked strange on him.

I could tell from a mile away that their table alone was giving off a strange air. There was just something obviously strange about the old guy and N drinking coffee together. You must be stupid to expect to make it out unscathed if you sit yourself at a table like that. I know it'd have been wiser to just turn back before they noticed me, but my curiosity got the best of me and I approached them with grinning ear to ear, jumping head first into the bizarre world in front of me.

"Hey, N. It's been a long time. Did you wait long?"

I took a seat facing N and the strange old guy sitting next to him. That's right. Before I arrived, the two were sitting next to each other at a table for four. That alone made them look out of place.

As soon as I'd taken a seat, a waitress brought a glass of water and a wet towel. I took the opportunity to give her my order.

"The fried prawns set, please."

Yes, I ordered a fried prawns set without a moment's hesitation while N and that guy were still sipping on their coffee. It might have been a bit impolite, but he'd promised me a free dinner after all. With the beautiful girl turning out to be some old guy, food was about the only thing left for me to look forward to.

N began to talk as soon as the waitress had written it down and walked away.

"This is Mr. Y. He was my senior in high school."

I see. So the obviously strange old guy was N's senior. No matter how I looked at him, he looked like a man in his thirties, but if he was N's senior in high school, he couldn't be much older than N. That means, he must be still in his twenties. Holy shit. Anyways, N continued to talk.

"I called you today because I wanted Mr. Y to teach you something that you're sure to find very useful."

I lost it. And I don't get pissed easily mind you? To put it bluntly, I could easily tell at first glance that Mr. Y had a few screws loose. Why would I want someone like him to teach me something? I never asked for it.

But hey, I'm an adult. Even if I get pissed, I don't show it. I hold it in and force a smile. It's how an adult handles things.

That's when Mr. Y started talking in an arrogant tone.

"I'm sure you've never heard about Him, but we're followers of XX. Today, I'm here to tell you about the saving grace of XX."

Here we fucking gooooo!! I had kind off expected it, but the cat was out of the bag. They were trying to convert me to some weird religion. What's more, he had that "Son, I'm doing you a favor" attitude. But what bothered me the most was that N of all people had joined some dubious cult and decided to drag me, his good old friend, down with him. Or did he chose me because he figured that I was easy game?

Here's how most religious cults of this kind operate: They try to convince you to join for as long as it takes and do almost whatever it takes to keep you from going home until you give in. Weaker-minded people probably crack within two hours and sign their contract just so they can go home. If you find yourself in a similar situation, don't hesitate to call the police. It's the best course of action. If calling 110 isn't an option, it might be a good idea to ask the people around you for help. If you're in a family restaurant, for instance, you could call the manager or a waiter.

I, however, was not looking for such simple ways to get out of the mess. My old friend N and Mr. Y had gone out of their way to meet me, I figured I might as well listen to what they have to say and enjoy it to the fullest. And thus, the fun battle of wits started.

"If you follow the teachings of XX, you're guaranteed to become happy."

This is what Mr. Y said after briefly explaining what the religion was all about. He said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world, like 1+1=2. Apparently, everyone who joined the religion has become happy without exception.

"But doesn't happiness mean different things to different people? While I sometimes feel happy just by drinking tasty coke, there are millionaires out there who can't seem to find happiness. In the end, isn't it all about how you look at it? Take horoscopes for example. You know, when it says something good will happen to you and you start waiting for it to happen? And the next time something good happens, no matter how small, you believe it only happened because the horoscope said so? The same goes for when it says something bad will happen to you. What I'm trying to say is, there is no way to prove that all those people became happy thanks to that religion of yours."

"No, you really do become happy if you join."

"Huh, is that right? Care to explain?"

"Take Mrs. YY, for example. She's a housewife and didn't know what to do about her child who refused to go to school. But you know, as soon as she joined our religion, her son started going to school again. It's all thanks to Mrs. YY's zealous faith in XX."

"No, I don't think it was because Mrs. YY joined your religion, it must have been the child who picked himself up. She can't be a very good mother if she chose to give the credit to some religion instead of praising her child for overcoming his issue all by himself."

"Well, there are countless other examples of people whose lives have changed after joining us."

"Like I said, that's like horoscopes..."

The back and forth exchange continued for quite a while. I was getting more excited by the minute. But while I was enjoying every second of the heated-up argument, N just kept sitting there with his head down. I guess he was feeling a bit guilty for what was going on. Mr. Y seemed to be getting tired. You can't blame him as I answered every single thing he said with complete denial and hair-splitting arguments.

Then, after a 2-hour dispute, I heard a voice behind me say

"Huh, if that ain't Y.".

When I looked back, I saw a group of two men and one woman coming closer to our table and they all had the same crazy wide-eyed look in their eyes. They were obviously followers too. Friends of Y and N. They made it look like a chance meeting, but it had to be a part of their procedure. If they can't convince someone within 2 hours, reinforcements arrive to tip the target over the edge.

"What a coincidence. Mind if we take a seat?"

The reinforcement troops sat down before anyone could answer. The two guys chose to sit left and right of me, while the woman sat down facing me, next to N and Y. It was if they were trying to say "You're not going anywhere, buddy!".

So now it was four people, not including N, trying to convince me to join their religion at the same time. I only wished they didn't talk to me at the same time too. How am I supposed to listen to 4 people talking simultaneously?

"It's a really great place. Just think of it as joining a club or something. Why don't you try attending one of our meetings?"

"You'll become happy, I promise."

"We're just trying to share our happiness with you, you know?"

The 4 devoted followers who'd all look absolutely fantastic with headgears on unleashed on me a torrent of arguments for why I ought to join their religion. I provided a counterargument for each and every single one of them, but nothing could stop them from heating up even more.

"You'll end up in hell if you don't join us!"

is what it boiled down to. What a riot. Try sending me to hell if you can. I figured I wasn't going to get anywhere if I stayed on defense all the time, so I launched a few counterattacks.

"What is the ultimate goal of that religion you people believe in anyway?"

It was the first time I asked them a question. However, they couldn't give me an answer right away. A religion without a goal? What a load of crap.

"Happiness, I guess. Our ultimate goal is to make everyone happy."

one of the followers finally said. They seemed to believe they can make everything seem right by using the word "happiness".

"Who is everyone? Do you want all followers of your religion to become happy? Or are you talking about humanity as a whole? What about the animals? Do you want them to become happy too?"

Our discussion had quickly escalated to the point that we soon found ourselves arguing about Jesus Christ. In the end, we had kept on talking for 5 full hours since the reinforcements troops had arrived arrived. Meanwhile, I had 2 whole sets of fried prawn. Talking against 4 people for 5 hours uses up a lot of energy after all. But from the looks of it, my opponents seemed even more exhausted than me. I didn't know about N as he hadn't said a word and just kept looking down the whole time, but the others were obviously running out of steam.

"But to begin with, love is about...."

Even so, they mustered up what little strength they had left to keep the discussion with me going. They should have long understood by now that I wasn't going to give in no matter what they do. And still they seemed unable to give up. Poor fellows must have had their reasons.

The way things were heading, this wasn't going to end until either party falls unconscious. I didn't mind continuing until I fainted, but I felt bad for the poor fellows. I was sure, N and co. weren't doing it out of their own will, but were told by their superiors not to give up. They were probably told not to come back until they have recruited new followers. Which means, there was no point arguing with them. The real enemies were, of course, their superiors.

"We're not getting anywhere like this, so why don't we move this elsewhere? I wouldn't mind continuing the discussion where you people normally meet up. Can you take me there?"

I had no idea where their meeting place was, but I knew that I'd get to meet their boss there. He was the one I had to fight. His subordinates in front of me, however, didn't seem to understand I was doing this for them and said

"I'm so glad. You finally agree with us, huh? Mr. Pato."

They were rejoicing as if I had told them that I was going to join or something. I only asked to take me to their meeting place and didn't have the faintest intention of joining. On the contrary, I was fully intent on wrecking havoc there.

"No, I'm not going to join. I just want to see your meeting place for myself."

I told them clearly. They couldn't hide their disappointment, but said

"Let's go to headquarters then."

They were going to take me to their headquarters. The lion's den. As if to keep me from getting away somewhere on the way, they insisted that I leave my car in front of the family restaurant. Then I had to get in a white car, no idea who it belonged to, and we were on our way to their headquarters. It was a sight to behold how they made me sit in the back seat with one of the followers guarding each side, clearly to prevent me from jumping out of the car. Not like I was going to run anyway.

After an hour-and-a-half-hour long bumpy car ride, we arrived in a small town in a mountainous region. A rural, lushly green town full of historic monuments. A perfect location for the headquarters of a religious cult.

During the car ride, I had to brace myself for what expected me there. After all, they were bold enough to tell me that I'd end up in hell if I didn't join them. They might use any means possible to make me join. I wouldn't be surprised if they dragged me to their basement, drugged me and then showed me weird videos to brainwash me into joining. If I don't watch out, I could end up getting completely brainwashed and find myself happily wearing a headgear.

I bit my lip, clenched my teeth and headed to their headquarters with an expressionless look on my face.

But you know, when you hear the word headquarters, I imagine it to be a big temple, or, in the case of a new religious movement, a modern skyscraper or an artistic building. Don't you? If their headquarters had been like that, I'd have been seriously afraid of getting confined in a secret basement or something, but the one I was taken to wasn't anything like that. It was disappointingly shabby.

Their headquarters was a freaking apartment room.

I was so surprised I almost collapsed the moment I saw it. Just think about it. It was the headquarters of the great religious cult with the big goals that tried so hard to convince me to join... Their brochures even said they would "spread their wings into the world"... How can a cult like that have a freaking apartment room as their headquarters? It's not like they're some illegal dating club that has to operate in secret. I couldn't believe it. The doorplate said "Kawaguchi", so it was probably a private apartment too. What a sad excuse of a headquarters.

Seeing their headquarters, I knew I had been worried for nothing. Suddenly, I was brimming with self-confidence.

When I entered the apartment room they call their headquarters, I was greeted by a great number of shoes lying around scattered in the entryway. It turned out that they were having some sort of meeting and lots of their followers had gathered in the small apartment room.

I took off my shoes and had a good look at the members. The ones that brought me here including N joined the meeting. It was about 20 people in total, with a quite balanced gender ratio. They were of all ages, from people of my age to older ladies. I had the feeling that there were a bit more younger women than older ones and men though.

They were all holding something that looked like a rosary in their hands and praying like mad to some sloppy statue in a corner of the room, quietly chanting what sounded like a sutra. All 20+ followers were kneeling on the ground and praying in sync as if obsessed.

My blood ran cold when I saw the spectacle from a corner of the room. I had no doubts anymore: These people had gone mad. But what shocked me the most was the sight of my old friend N praying and shaking his head with a frantic look on his face. During our student days, N and I used to live under the same roof, help each other out with papers and even go to mixers together. But the N now seemed almost like he'd gone to a completely different world. My heart ached so hard, it felt like it'd been ripped out or something. I didn't want to see N like that.

They continued to pray for the next hour or so. Although they were clearly getting exhausted, it didn't stop them from praying. What was driving them so hard?

After a while, the front door opened and a man entered the room.

It was a stout, middle-aged man with a receding hairline and rose-colored glasses. Through the rose-colored glasses, the wide-open pupils of a crazy man were peering at me.

"Ohh, I see you're already at it."

He greeted his followers with a ridiculously loud voice. It was enough to tell me that he was indeed their boss. As soon as the followers heard him, they stopped their prayers and greeted him back. It was as if he was a coach and they were his team.

Mr. Y quickly walked over to his boss and whispered something into his ear. Whatever it was, it made the boss approach me with a wide smile on his face.

"I hear you've joined us today, Pato. I'm the head in charge here."

He handed me a booklet with some weird sutra written in it and a cheap rosary of the same kind as the ones the others were holding. For some reason, he seemed to believe that I had already become a member.

The boss held his hand out to me with a wide smile on his face.

Mr. Y was watching the scene with a wide smile on his face.

N had gone back to praying as if his life depended on it.

I felt like sending everyone in the fucking room to hell.

Then the boss continued to speak, still smiling widely.

"Congratulations, Y. With this, you've fulfilled this month's recruitment quota."

he said while patting Mr. Y on his shoulder. Mr. Y seemed seriously happy about it too and was blushing a little. So they really did have quotas to fulfil. Guess that explains why they were trying so hard to make me join.

I was about to lose it. My initial goal was to go to their headquarters to give their boss a piece of my mind anyway and it didn't help that they were treating me like a new member already. So yeah, I lost my shit.

"GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! I HAVEN'T SAID A WORD ABOUT JOINING YET!"

I shouted as loud as I could. I did so while tearing their booklet into pieces and ripping their rosary apart. Y and the boss froze and stared at me in wonder. Even the others who were praying so passionately stopped in their tracks. For that one moment, I was sure time had stopped in that small apartment room. The beads hitting the floor was the only sound that could be heard for the following seconds.

I continued.

"I thought I'd keep my mouth shut and listen to what you have to say, but you people keep getting more and more carried away. Who the fuck said I'd join? Who!? I sure as hell didn't! I'm only here to see the truth behind that religion of yours! The truth behind your group. And I know now that it's flawed as a religion! There's no way I'm going to join a religion like that!"

Put on an act if you have to, but it's important to stress that you have no intention of joining. Even though I'm a rather timid guy, I tried to sound like I really mean it. Normally, I don't talk this rudely.

An awkward and heavy silence filled the room. Their boss didn't let it get to him though. He opened his mouth and said, as if to break the silence:

"What are you implying? That we're some phony cult?"

I couldn't hide my surprise when I heard the words "phony cult" from his mouth. I only said that it's flawed as a religion, but never said it was a "phony cult".

"Who said you were a phony cult? I'm only saying it's flawed as a religion."

I said in an indifferent tone, as opposed to my outburst not long ago.

"What is flawed about it?"

The boss sounded a bit pissed. At least, he didn't seem in the best of his moods. Ohh, so scary. I'm the one who should be pissed, you know?

"You mentioned a quota a few minutes ago, didn't you? Why would you have to fulfil a quota just to be in a religion? In that case, what you're doing isn't any different than a multi-level marketing scheme. A religion should be about believing in something. Why would you want to force a recruitment quota on its followers?"

".......well, we want to reach out to as many people as possible...."

With that, the boss went quiet.

"I've already said this and I'll say it again. If you really want to convert as many people as possible and make them happy, hoping for a grassroots movement won't be enough. Besides, I've seen how you people try to convert people and it's crazy. Rather than wanting to make me happy, I felt like you were more interested in fulfilling your quota. How can you spout such idealistic crap when you use underhanded tricks to get people to join?"

"..........."

No response from the boss. Guess that means the stage belongs to me. Time to get everything off my chest.

"I can't put my trust into a religion that uses force to convert me. It's extremely cheap to use an old friend to call me out without telling me beforehand that it's about a religion. A religion with a recruitment quota is just another form of a multi-level marketing scheme. Most of the people here were just tricked into joining too, weren't they? You took advantage of their weaknesses and basically forced them to join by telling them stuff like 'You'll end up in hell if you don't join!', didn't you? And you call it a religion?"

"One more thing. When you entered the room, the followers all stopped their prayers to greet you, didn't they? A prayer should be a very important act for the followers of a religion. You don't stop praying just because someone in a superior position came in. It made me feel like their supposedly important prayer was just a facade. It's like they're more concerned about making a good impression on their superior than about their faith. I've never seen a religion where prayers are neglected like that. (I was just bluffing.)"

I was gesturing wildly as if I was holding a great speech as I said all this. Everyone in the room had turned around to listen to me. It felt pretty good to be heard by so many people. Among them, N seemed the most uncomfortable. From the expression on his face, he seemed to be regretting that he brought me here, that he tried to convert me in the first place.

"......Enough... Leave...."

The boss looked like he was about to explode in a ball of rage any minute now. To think he had the nerve to tell me to leave.....

"You people are the ones who made me sit in a car and dragged me here while making sure I don't make myself scarce. In other words, I can't leave even if you tell me to. Drag someone out here and force them to join, isn't that how you operate? But now you're telling me to leave because I refused to give in? And your goal is to make everyone happy? Don't make me laugh. I can't leave even if I wanted to."

When I was finished, the boss reluctantly took out 10,000 yen out of his wallet and handed it to me. I figured he was telling me to take a taxi home with the money. Having said everything I wanted to say, I was very satisfied and happily accepted the money. In the entryway, I turned around and said this to the followers.

"All you people who were forced to join, good luck with your prayers! Who knows, maybe it'll really make you happy one day. See you then, suckers."

With that, I left the apartment and hit the road home. You probably think I took a taxi home, but I didn't. I took a train home and had Yakiniku with the rest of the money.

Even so, I had totally wasted a precious Saturday afternoon with such nonsense.....

Whether you join a religion or not is up to you. Whether you believe in something or not is up to you too. In their case, however, converting others and praying had been completely turned into things you enforce on others. That is not how a religion should be.

In the end, choosing a religion to believe in is much like choosing what you want to fap to. No one can decide it for you. It's something you have to decide for yourself. That's all.

By the way, I heard that N is still a member of the religious cult and has tried to convert other classmates the same way he did in my case. Everyone, please watch out if an old friend calls you all of a sudden.